Making Divorce Work - It Doesn't Need to Be a Battle

Waheeda Harris

With a divorce rate of 37 per cent in Canada and over 50 per cent in the United States, there is a good chance that either you or someone you know will have to deal with divorce.

"I wanted to write this book to not only help people going through divorce, but to remind them of what they want to be at the end of the process," says divorce mediation expert/author Diana Mercer.

Mercer, whose previous book, Your Divorce Advisor, focused on the nuts and bolts of what happens in a divorce proceedings, realized she wanted to write something that helped people move past the range of emotions and focus on the next phase of life. Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (A Perigree Book, Published by Penguin Group and available Dec 7 in North America ) by Diana Mercer and Katie Jane Wennechuk focuses on how to end a marriage with mediation and avoid the unhealthy process that is often overshadowed by anger and combatant lawyers.

The book uses personal stories by couples and workbook exercises to show someone the skills needed to handle the divorce, eight mediation techniques, how to deal with anger, grief and hurt feelings and how to deal with custody issues, assets and ending the relationship. " No one needs to go through "homewreckonomics" which is what many couples go through, which means their assets are reduced to nothing during the divorce process," says Mercer."The first part of the book is a divorce mission statement and asks the question 'What do I want to be at the end of this process?", explained Mercer, who has spent the past 12 years working with couples as a divorce mediator in Los Angeles. She wants couples to realize their emotions and then focus on ending the relationship, remembering the good times and insuring that when it's done, they can move onto the next phase of their life.

Mercer believes that so much of the process is hijacked by lawyers, who want to increase their hourly billing and are in it for the fight. "The couple tends to focus on the materialistic and forgets about the emotions, children, extended family and friends, who are all affected by the process." A couple needs to continually focus on the end goals, says Mercer, and avoid getting wrapped up in small, petty issues.

Some key points according to Mercer for those going through a divorce to consider are:

1. Why do marriages break down?
Most people think its something dramatic, like alcohol or an affair. But really, marriages erode over time.

2. Why doesn't it matter that you're getting a divorce?
The truth is that your marriage eroded over time, and this was just the last straw (ie. an affair or overspending). The key is how to handle it.

3. How you handle drama in your divorce?
It takes two to have a fight, so if you refuse to fight, eventually the other person will have no choice but to calm down.

4. Is there ways to resolve family conflict?
There are - it's simple but not easy. You need to focus on the problem not the people.

5. Is it possible to have a peaceful divorce?
Yes, but you have to be really committed to doing it right.

Readers can find more information at the book's website, which includes a downloadable e-journal to help with understanding the process of divorce and mediation.

Source

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

12-06-2010 @ 3:39PM

Diana Mercer said...

Hi: I'm Diana Mercer and I'm the author of this book. Divorce doesn't have to ruin your life. I wrote Making Divorce Work because I firmly believe that, and I want to help people go through this unfortunate life event in the best way possible.

Join the conversation on our video blog http://makingdivorceworkblog.com!

And I encourage everyone to mediate rather than go to court. Mediation is a much more positive and productive process than court---plus it's much less expensive--about 90% less expensive. For more information about mediation, visit http://www.peace-talks.com for worksheets, resources and tips---all free.

Feedback on the book is encouraged! Please feel free to contact me at the e-mail address on the Peace Talks web site.

5-19-2011 @ 5:54AM

Jessica Wilson said...

♥▬♥ OMG Earn $140 Per day FREE WOW!!! ♥▬♥

Let me introduce myself… MY name is Jessica and I had a life changing experience and now I'm finally ready to share it with YOU - I'll be very straight forward.

How would you like to make $80 - $140 every single day

(¯`’•.¸*♫♪♫♪*¸.•’´¯)¸.• ‘´¯) ♫
(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸*♫♪*¸.•’´¯)¸.•’ ´¯)♫
♫♪(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸**¸.•’´¯)¸.•’´ ¯)
♫♪ (_ ¸. •’ Earn Online Now!!!!! ’•.¸_)
(_¸.•’(_¸.•’ FREE(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´ ♫

Just for clicking your mouse ?

This is a work at home position… which requires no prior experience, education or special skills… and by following the three easy steps can make you money beginning today...It works worldwide

Please get back here Http://bit.ly/earnfrezh

Best of luck. (_) (_) (_)

Have a great day (♥◕♥◕♥)

6-17-2011 @ 4:19PM

Ellen said...

Hi,

I have read various articles on mediation versus court resolution of marriage break up. I have not read your book Diana, so I refrain from commenting on it.

What my experience has shown me is that when people divorce, it is natural and inevitable to be in strong, almost irrational emotional states. Writing about this subject from a distance is much easier than being in the throes of the hugely emotional event. Everyone connected in the "facilitating mode", cannot possibly be expected to accommodate those very real emotions. Mediators, social workers, psychologists and even doctors each have a different take on the details or lack there of, with different goals to achieve from their perspective. Combine those all together and the intense emotions only escalate.This is a recipe for prolonging the heated and costly "resolution", which actually serves to do injustice to a divorcing couple, and the children.

From my vantage point. I recommend when two people wish to end their marriage and it is a mutual, equitable parting of the ways, (?), the best outcome results, when they can manage to divide reasonably, their assets on their own first, on paper, and then go to the lawyer(s) together, to make the event legal.This works with rational people separating or divorcing.

Most often of course, persons are at their worst, and lowest behavior at the time of proposing a divorce. Again professional strangers, no matter how qualified, for the most part do not have the best interests of clients at heart, who are most likely least productively, communicative and badly behaved. The professionals like the divorcing couple soon lose patience, and become interested in billing only. My apologies to those few and not so inclined professionals. I know you exist somewhere out there.

My recommendation is to have a one year time out for all couples who have announced their divorce. During this time the couple should reside in separate dwellings and the child arrangement should be temporary during that one year.The lawyers during this time should be aware this is taking place, but should not charge any monies. They have not found the living arrangement for the spouse that has moved, so why should they be paid, while they are doing nothing to advance the case. Under these circumstances, I believe most couples would naturally adopt a more civil attitude to one another and their children, facing immediately the costs of living apart. During this one year, the couple together should seek counselling, independently of the lawyers involved. This time out would benefit the couple and serve to cool heads, so they can recognize what is ultimately in the best interests of everyone concerned. I underscore this is for non abusive, and otherwise average divorcing couples.

Often it is stated in the courts, that all is done "in the best interests of the children". This is all fine and well, however in long drawn out battles in courts, and escalating peripheral, damage control costs, time goes by. Soon the children are older and are taken care of. What becomes of the person who has fought the hardest for the kids, who may well turn around and say I am out here. This happens quickly as five to seven years elapse. Yes, if you don't have access to the same funds as some recent celebrities in the news, one can easily be thrown into poverty very quickly, and not recognizing this in the initial throes of intense, emotional feelings. I believe this kind of "time out" approach should be legislated into divorce proceedings in order for more equitable outcomes for all concerned.

Politicians can and often behave as children, in a schoolyard scrum. How much more so, divorcing couples at their lowest emotional well being. Lawyers almost always have the last say on the recommendation of sometimes psychologists or other professional therapeutic help. I believe it is the divorcing couple who should seek the therapist, who will work best with both of them together during their trial year apart. This makes the most sense to me. When we marry we plan it for the most part together. If we divorce and we took a similar approach, then I believe there would be less hurtful outcome and less debilitating cost. It seems some lawyers think divorce is a free for all destruction of the family finances, and that both people should be punished equally. I have heard enough about collaborative divorces, which end up in court ultimately, because the couple did not start out on an equal playing field, and no professional makes that playing field any more equitable than where the couple started out. These thoughts and recommendations do not work for conflicted marriages, and perhaps we should be addressing how we would handle a divorce before we take the step of marriage. Maybe there would be no marriage, but better that, than the tragic loss of health, years of productive work, and funds due to a compromised divorce.

Those who claim that divorces have worked, Good for you! But my experience is that once the dust has settled on the divorce papers, reality sets in and there is no one to handle the questions, and debilitating losses in whatever degrees from that point on. Sadly, I can think of many better places to be in.

Ellen