You've Won a Free Caribbean Cruise! (Yeah, Right...)

Someone who wants me to claim my free cruise has been leaving messages on my land line several times a week for months. Or maybe I've won multiple cruises and have a selection to choose from. I'm also way behind in claiming my last chance to get an extended warranty, before the current warranty expires, for my new car. Which is a 1996 Elantra station wagon with a rusty trailer hitch and a clutch that's on its last legs.

They all want me to call them back to claim my prize.

And, last weekend, I answered the phone and was told I'd entered a draw at a recent trade show. Apparently I'd won a "cruise for two" from them, too. That rang a bit of a bell, as I had filled out a draw ballot at the International Motorcycle Supershow in Toronto last month. Except, that draw was for a honking big SUV parked in front of the entrance to the women's washroom. Which would have been much better at hauling my motorcycle to track days than my four-cylinder Elantra with the failing clutch.


Still. They said the cruise was leaving from West Palm Beach, and my son lives in Jupiter about half an hour from there. I could drop by for a visit! So I asked: "What's the catch?"

"Oh, no catch!" the woman on the other end of the line replied with great cheer. "It's a $400 value! All you have to do is get to port at West Palm Beach. And pay the port taxes. The cruise is free!"

"Um, what port taxes?" I asked. The terminally cheerful person on the other end of the line explained that you have to pay taxes at all the ports where the ship stops, and she'd be happy to take my credit card number so I could pay them now.

Right. That's the catch.

"A perfect stranger calls me on the phone and wants me to give them my credit card number?" I asked, incredulously.

"Yes! Then you and a friend can start packing for your cruise!" she said, with great enthusiasm. I felt like asking her if she was going to come help me pack.

Instead, I repeated my question, because she had ignored my sarcasm the first time. "You want me to give you my credit card number?"

"Yes," she said, a little less enthusiastically, and, as she took a breath to continue, I interrupted her.

"I'm not prepared to do that," I said.

Her enthusiasm completely evaporated. "OK, bye," she said, and hung up.

Sound familiar?

Like the ads for Viagra that regularly land in my email spam box, these calls are scams. The vehicle warranty call for my "new car" is one of the many deceptive telemarketing scams listed on the RCMP-led Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre (PhoneBusters) website, as are the calls about the free cruises that aren't, um, free.

Deceptive telemarketing includes any call that:

1. Tries to get you to pay for a non-existent or misrepresented product, service or charitable gift.
2. Offers a prize for which you asked to pay a fee in order to claim the prize.
3. Tries to get you to give your banking information or credit card number in order to claim a "gift" or prize.

Canadians have lost about $40 million since 1995 to schemes like these, according to the Phonebusters website. And we get on their "sucker" calling lists by putting a business card into a bowl for a draw, or entering legitimate draws at trade shows. Your contact info gets put on a list that gets sold to telemarketers, which includes those involved in these scams.

If you receive such a call, you can report them to Phonebusters in one of three ways:

• Toll Free: 1-888-495-8501
• Fax: (705) 494-4755
• Email: info@phonebusters.com

Damn. I guess I'm going to have to learn how to back up my trailer without riding the Elantra's clutch and burning it out. I'm sure as heck not filling out any more of those ballots to win a car. I'm also considering dropping my land line, since the only people who call me on it any more are telemarketers. But that's another topic.

For more information on these and other telemarketing scams, go to www.phonebusters.com/