Top Financial Fights and Ways to Resolve Them

Turning over a new leaf can mean tossing out a few old things that just don't work anymore including relationships, according to experts.

While money issues likely didn't drive recent well-known splits, like that of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries or Katy Perry and Russell Brand, financial differences are consistently cited as a top stress in partnerships.

Marriage and family therapist Michal Regev -- who runs her practice in Vancouver -- recently spoke with me about common financial issues couples argue about and productive ways to deal with the conflict that can arise from having a different value system and different approaches to money. Regev says over 50 per cent of couples who go to therapy report having money disputes and that money fights -- if left unresolved -- can lead to divorce.

Here are some common money problems couples experience and some strategies suggested by Regev on how to get through them.
1. The Spender vs. The Saver
Do you like your daily Starbucks latte while your partner is committed to brewing at home and drinking from the stale pot at the office in order to save a few bucks? Regev says if you're fighting over daily expenses and one partner doesn't understand the other's spending (which could range from regularly eating out to pampering oneself at the spa), it's not the little things that are bothering him, it's the underlying fundamental difference you have in money values.
If one partner is more money conscious and tends to plan for the future (for retirement or a big purchase like a house) he may resent a partner who spends money on "little pleasures" -- what he sees as unnecessary. The "saver" may view his partner as inconsiderate and as the cause of his anxiety, says Regev.
How to resolve?

Communicate. Couples need to listen to one another with an open heart and in a non-defensive way. It is important to share goals with one another and agree to work towards the same goals, says Regev.

It's also wise when it comes to a spender/saver situation to try and uncover the deeper reasons as to why you both have certain feelings about money. Look at how money was dealt with in your family and how it has affected you. There's a better chance for collaboration with your spouse if both individuals know where certain attitudes come from and the intensity of feelings tied in with those attitudes.

2. The Talker vs. The Silent Type
Frustrations can arise when one person is open to laying everything on table, eager to communicate and start a plan while the other clams up, embarrassed or unwilling to talk about money. If someone in the relationship is reluctant to talk, says Regev, then chances are any problem that arises will remain unresolved.
How to resolve?

A gentle approach may coax the reluctant spouse into conversation, says Regev. The other partner could approach him calmly by saying something like "I understand it is difficult for you to talk about this topic and I wish we didn't have to, but we do. Is there a time or a place that would make it easier to talk about this issue?"
The "talker" needs to understand that her partner may feel anxious about the subject rather than interpreting his silence as being stubborn or avoidant.

3. Different Priorities
You may want to renovate the kitchen while your spouse wants a new car. It is extremely common for partners to differ in the importance they place on different things, says Regev. But most importantly, discussions need to happen before purchases are made or bitterness and resentment may develop.
How to resolve?

Compromise and giving up may need to happen on both fronts but it is healthier if partners take turns in getting what they want as well as foregoing certain things.
Couples need to learn to negotiate well with one another. If you have competing needs and wants, then pursue goals in a certain order. Listen to each other and be open to understanding what drives your partner's wants and needs, says Regev. For instance, if your wife wants a new car because she commutes to and from work for two hours every day and the car is unsafe to drive, then that is something to take into account.

4. The Spontaneous Buyer vs. the Planner
So your annual bonus just landed into your joint account but suddenly it's gone because your spouse decided to buy the family a grand piano. Though most couples don't want to have to report on every little purchase, it's advisable to discuss the bigger buys or else a bigger fight will occur in the foreseeable future.
How to resolve?

Partners should have regular meetings about finances when they discuss upcoming expenses. Regev says she usually recommends a sum which is agreed upon by each person in the relationship, above which they have to consult each other first. The amount will vary, but could be anywhere above $30 or $50. It's also wise to have the same outlook when it comes to investments or loans, even if one partner is more knowledgeable in the area.

5. Your Financial Talks Turn into Mudslinging
So the kids are in bed and you're finally able to discuss serious issues like your budget but you're tired and grumpy and resentful about using your only free time to talk finance when you could be vegging out in front of the TV.
Your talk hasn't begun but it's already headed for disaster.
How to resolve?

Try to allocate some quiet time when you're not likely to be interrupted and when you're not overtired, to discuss your issues.

Too often couples fight when they go to bed which could be detrimental to the relationship, says Regev. Sit down facing one another and take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings without interrupting each other. Also, sometimes try repeating what your partner says to make sure you really understand what she's saying. This way, you're also showing your partner that you're trying to listen and see where she's coming from.

Sometimes, Regev says, these issues can become so heated that partners find they are unable to quietly listen and be empathetic and then money fights can repeat themselves without a positive result. In these cases, couples therapy may be needed.